L.A. Affairs: I'm sober, anxious and 61. Could I survive L.A.'s rough dating scene?

“I fto spell of antagonistic self-talk.

“I radiate confidence.

“I absorption connected positivity.”

I was staring astatine my 61-year-old reflection arsenic I repeated these mantras suggested by my caller therapist SuzAnn, embarrassed astatine the idiocy though I lived unsocial successful a tiny West L.A. guesthouse.

My hubby of implicit 30 years and I had precocious separated — the past 5 years, I was sober.

My therapist was the lone 1 from my HMO supplier database who had openings. Together we addressed my operation of crippling anxiety, debilitating fearfulness and crushingly debased self-image. These characteristics were contiguous passim my younker and resurfacing. During our past session, I told her astir a substance from Jim, a antheral who attended the aforesaid play betterment Zoom gathering arsenic me.

“Would you similar to articulation maine for coffee?” helium asked successful a backstage chat. His 8 elemental words caused maine to ellipse the therapeutic drain.

Since I became sober, my interpersonal skills seemed to person dried retired on with my liver. I recounted the incidental to my therapist, panicking astatine the imaginable of a “date.”

My precocious azygous aforesaid couldn’t fig retired which was worse: the discomfort of making tiny speech with a antheral quality minus the assistance of Two Buck Chuck oregon the panic of dying unsocial wearing beige suede Birkenstock oregon sipping chamomile beverage and surrounded by six cats.

SuzAnn observed my unhinged tirade. “You indispensable rewire your brain. I … impulse … you,” she enunciated. “Get retired of your comfortableness zone, look successful the reflector and accidental 10 affirmative affirmations for the adjacent 30 days. Then inquire the beingness to supply each the gifts you privation for yourself to beryllium fixed to others.”

Her eyes penetrated excavation arsenic I waited for a large Tibetan gong to sound.

Walking to my car, I thought, “Maybe I needed to get retired of my ‘comfort zone.’ ”

So I texted Jim, “Coffee sounds good,” pushed nonstop and instantly wanted to vomit.

Before the date, I was astir to recite my 4th affirmation erstwhile my telephone pinged. I had precocious told Mona, my older sister, astir the caffeine liaison, and I instantly had regretted it arsenic I glanced astatine her text.

“It’s the large day. ‘Who’ are you wearing?”

Not wanting to engage, I sent a representation of the apparel laid retired connected my bed: a achromatic turtleneck, achromatic jeans, a grey flannel blazer and my lace-up Knock (a.k.a. fake) Martens.

Less than six seconds passed, and an all-caps alert came through, signaling urgency. “WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS INSIST ON GOING OUTDOORS LOOKING LIKE K.D. LANG? You person specified a cute figure.”

Mona had an absorbing mode of complimenting me, similar the clip she told maine I was the highest functioning alcoholic she ever knew.

Knowing that I was astir to swan dive into a excavation that I didn’t adjacent privation to dip my toed in, I replied, “It’s cloudy outside, and my therapist said that I should clasp my existent self.”

“Well, fine, but clasp it with a small cleavage.”

We were different, but I envied Mona. Growing up she was the gorgeous outgoing risk-taker with ringlet hair. I was a painfully shy introvert with a unibrow who yearned to beryllium an aged shut-in by property 9. Where Mona believed immoderate outfit could payment from a splash of carnal people and kitten heels, I recovered manner inspiration from down the wheels of oversize reddish buying carts.

Jim chose Cafe Gratitude connected Rose Avenue successful Venice. I got determination early, and the spot was packed with customers who had a sun-kissed glow that lone comes with an abundance of spare clip and disposable income. Men with bandannas and buns paired with women clad successful booty shorts and harvest tops and who‘d evidently received Mona’s “mammary memo.”

I enactment connected my glasses to work the meal selections, which were printed successful a microscopic font. I Am Trusting was seemingly roasted veggie hash, I Am Hearty was a tofu scramble and I Am Valued was a chorizo meal burrito. I couldn’t assistance but wonderment if my therapist was portion of the restaurant’s selling team.

Anxious sweat started to excavation nether my k.d. lang blazer. I tried channeling my interior Mona: superb with the assurance that lone comes with a leopard-print neckerchief. I spied Jim entering. I had lone ever seen him connected Zoom, and though helium was tall, which was nice, I tried not to justice his brownish cracked-leather buckled pilgrim shoes paired with high-waist Wrangler jeans.

“Nice to conscionable you, Jim,” I said arsenic I reached retired my hand. Jim went successful for a hug, 1 that was excessively close, excessively choky and respective seconds excessively long. “Exhale,” helium whispered successful my ear.

I froze and wondered if helium sensed my fight-or-flight response.

“What would you like?” helium asked.

I wanted thing tiny similar a bran muffin and rapidly scanned the paper for “I Am Regular” to nary avail. “I’ll person the I Am Precious smoothie,” I said, instantly feeling similar a fraud.

We sat astatine a array outside, wherever Jim launched into his background. He had been sober for 33 years, and though impressive, helium took this arsenic a cue to archer maine everything. He fundamentally started with his emergence from the commencement canal. For the adjacent 49 minutes, I learned astir his unhealthy relationships with his siblings, his request for support from his father, his spiral into addiction, his 2 past marriages, which helium explained were not failed but “opportunities for growth,” his spiritual travel and however helium learned to emotion himself.

With his monologue coming to a close, I perked up erstwhile helium yet said, “I person a question for you. Would you beryllium funny successful taking ballroom dancing classes with me?”

Where had this antheral gotten the content that I enjoyed dancing, my tense ft swinging nether the table? My tummy was successful knots arsenic I pictured myself clad successful a citrus chiffon formal looking similar a dollop of meringue, doing the Viennese waltz — thing resembling a Centrum Silver commercial.

“That’s not thing I person ever considered,” I replied, arrogant of myself that I was not agreeing and past having to fake a terminal illness.

I had precocious heard that “no” was a implicit sentence, and I craved the self-esteem that came with that elemental word. “No” to the Hollywood Bowl, wherever a concerto lasts longer than astir L.A. marriages, “no” to hiking successful Fryman Canyon and surely “no” to ballroom dancing.

Jim was not a atrocious person, conscionable not my person, and dissimilar me, helium had the clarity of who helium was, what helium wanted and really liked himself — qualities I had yet to attain.

My smoothie churned successful my stomach, and I told Jim that I needed to go. He stood, smiled and said, “My takeaway is that I would bask gathering again.” I considered a snarky “takeaway” but stopped. It was clip to shed my armor of judgement and negativity.

“That’s benignant of you to say. Thank you for the I Am Precious smoothie.”

He past enactment his hands together, bowed somewhat and murmured, “Go successful grace.”

It was not what I wanted for myself, but driving connected Ocean Park Boulevard, I asked the beingness to springiness Jim a long-stemmed roseate and a spouse to tango with, SuzAnn’s signifier to thrive with affluent women wearing lavender oil, and for Mona to beryllium blessed with an unlimited proviso of zebra-print accessories.

I entered the cocoon of my guesthouse, and my reflection blurred arsenic I looked successful the mirror. I pushed my shoulders back, stood up a small straighter and alternatively said:

“I americium not acrophobic to beryllium alone.

“I americium worthy getting to know.

“My beingness is unfolding precisely arsenic it should.

“I looked outside.”

It was overcast outside, but I knew the prima could interruption done astatine immoderate moment.

The writer is an essayist and autochthonal Angeleno. She tin beryllium reached astatine [email protected].

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