L.A. Affairs: I went on 53 first dates in one summer. Here's a look at my spreadsheet

Three years aft my 2nd divorce, with the assistance of a dating app, I went connected 53 archetypal dates successful 1 summer. Fifty-three times, I enactment connected my first-date azygous (nice but not trying excessively hard), flat-ironed my hairsbreadth and texted my day itinerary to my person Karen to marque it easier for the FBI to way my whereabouts conscionable successful lawsuit this was the net day that yet went wrong.

I had a system. The strategy progressive a spreadsheet. I kept way of what I wore and what stories we shared to debar repeating myself successful lawsuit determination was a 2nd oregon 3rd date. There were exploratory follow-up dates, but it usually lone took 1 to know.

The coffees and lunches and dinners of that play flicker successful my caput similar a rom-com video montage. There were immoderate mean dates, plentifulness of nice-guy, zero-chemistry dates, but a fewer basal out.

Here are the notables.

There was the highly tall, insignificant league shot subordinate I met astatine BJ’s successful Burbank. He said nary much than 4 words to maine the full meal, but managed to chat up our waitress. I judge helium walked maine to my car and went backmost for her number.

The quiescent and irritable TV exertion I met astatine Guelaguetza connected Olympic Boulevard. We ordered the chickenhearted mole and chapulines. During the meal, helium had a panic onslaught and excused himself to telephone his therapist. He really told maine this.

The experimental-video manager with the achromatic faux hawk I met astatine Go Get Em Tiger successful East Hollywood. He spent the day successful an hourlong monologue astir his ex-wife Julia, stopping lone to amusement maine many, galore photos of Julia.

A young man, primitively from Phoenix, asked to conscionable astatine Soot Bull Jip connected 8th Street. A struggling writer-actor-production assistant, helium confided that helium had looked up my sanction connected Internet Movie Database and noticed that I was a producer. He past proceeded to transportation maine an animated children’s amusement astir singing giraffes. He besides asked for a thrust to Vons. I declined both.

The screenwriter I met astatine République who, based connected his startling non-resemblance to his photo, had evidently posted a representation of idiosyncratic other connected his profile. He brought maine 3 mixed CDs of euphony based connected what helium “knew” I would like. It was each Radiohead and Elliott Smith. I adjusted my dating illustration due to the fact that I was seemingly coming disconnected arsenic depressed.

There was the tense and uptight English tutor, with a publication successful turn-around and a celebrated roommate, that I met astatine a Starbucks successful Koreatown. This feline corrected my grammar wrong the archetypal 5 minutes of our introduction. Then, helium proceeded to pass maine that alternatively than beryllium enactment disconnected by this, I should beryllium grateful for the caller accusation truthful I could hole my mistake and not look to beryllium uneducated.

The trendy, bearded sports lensman I met for a late-night meal astatine Fred 62 successful Los Feliz. I had precocious hopes for this guy, and we made plans for a 2nd date. But past things started unraveling erstwhile we realized I had already dated his younger brother.

There was besides the suave (Hand kiss? Really?) and highly tan French tennis pro I crossed La Cienega Boulevard for and met for luncheon astatine Thai Vegan successful Santa Monica. He was connected a nonstop bid of calls connected his cellphone during the full repast and past asked for a 2nd date. I said, “Non, merci.”

When describing these guys to Karen, I utilized their identifying traits to statement them. (Stalker Creep. Dude Looks Like a Lady. Mom Jeans Guy.) Like an FNG successful Vietnam, it was amended not to larn their names.

Due to a communicative helium had shared with maine via email, day No. 53 was identified arsenic Naked Drummer. I tried to reserve judgment. Before Naked Drummer came to conscionable maine for our archetypal date, helium called astatine the past infinitesimal and said the following:

“I privation to recap. I conscionable turned 30. I americium presently surviving with my mother. I play guitar successful an alternate people band. I person a semi-crappy temp occupation astatine Disney with nary benefits. I thrust a greenish ’97 Plymouth Grand Voyager minivan that smells similar weed. If you would similar to alteration your caput astir this full meal thing, present is your chance.” He described himself arsenic tall, acheronian and tall.

For immoderate reason, I broke galore of my archetypal day “safety rules” with Naked Drummer. I gave him my address. I fto him prime maine up. When helium came to get me, I fto him into my apartment. We went for meal astatine Noshi Sushi connected Beverly Boulevard. None of that is prudent behavior, and I bash not urge immoderate of it but the chu toro.

Naked Drummer was a funny, smart, bully Jewish lad who had been touring successful bands successful that Grand Voyager since assemblage graduation. On the archetypal date, we bonded implicit takuwan rolls and our histories arsenic teenage goths. My goth azygous included achromatic Maybelline eyeliner I utilized a lighter to vigor the extremity with earlier application. His goth azygous included an olive-green trench overgarment helium borrowed from his mom. We were a lucifer made successful Joy Division heaven. He confided helium was an Insane Clown Posse Juggalo, I intimated I was successful the Kiss Army. (We were some lying astir those past two.)

Reader, I joined him.

The writer is simply a erstwhile writer, manager and shaper for television. She and Mr. Rosenberg unrecorded successful South Pasadena. She’s connected Instagram: @smacksy.

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